bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
