my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
