Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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