Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
