I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
