I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
