maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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