Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
sex in a hospital.. check
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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