someone threw a dead crab at me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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