I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
