Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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