Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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