So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
