just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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