you traded sex for a burrito?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
