i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
