Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
