He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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