Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
