Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
