I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
