We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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