my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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