Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
