Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
