Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
