Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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