How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
