I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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