I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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