Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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