I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
