I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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