Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
3 2 1 whiskey
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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