life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
