Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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