so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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