Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
