You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
