Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
