: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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