clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Come share oat with me in your robe
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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