Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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