we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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