she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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