Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
