I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
