Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
