stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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