where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
vagina is talking i cant
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
