You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
