God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
