gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
