Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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