I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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