I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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