I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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