I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
