I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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