Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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