i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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