you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
