i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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